United Front: The New Era of Parenting

It’s a fact that disputes and conflicts are inevitable in marriage, and couples may find themselves disagreeing over issues like parenting techniques and sharing household chores. However, some experts believe that these disagreements are a natural and beneficial aspect of a relationship. They can provide opportunities for partners to better understand each other and collaborate as a team.

While disagreements can be beneficial, not all types of conflict are healthy, especially if they escalate to physical or verbal violence. This can be particularly concerning if children are present and observe these arguments. Witnessing heated arguments can have negative effects on children’s physical and mental well-being.

To give more insights on this topic, we got in touch with Katyana Azman, a resident child psychologist from Pantai Hospital Kuala Lumpur to share her insights.

1Twenty80: Are arguments or conflicts normal between a husband and wife? 

Katyana Azman: Yes! Contrary to popular belief, I think a lot of people believe that conflicts are indicative of couples not meant to be together or that there’s some higher level sign that there are some fundamental issues within the structures of the relationship.

Conflicts are normal. Of course, we have to take a look at the degree of the conflict that’s taking place, the severity of it, and also the content of the argument. However, ultimately it’s very normal for husbands and wives to disagree on things and for that to escalate into an argument.

1Twenty80: Are there any differences between arguments and conflicts? 

Katyana: They’re ultimately synonyms. When I think about it, conflict describes disagreement or incongruence within a point of view, something related to a decision-making process, or even just the belief system. Arguments are how conflicts are dealt with. Some people may not even get into an argumentative stage. Some individuals may withdraw and opt for the silent treatment. Arguments are one of the ways how conflicts manifest.

1Twenty80: Is it okay for parents to argue in front of their kids? 

Katyana: I think that the answer is no. In my opinion, while it’s normal for mums and dads to have disagreements, it’s very important that in front of the children there needs to be a united front. Parents need to commit to not having a heated discussion in front of their children.

There are a lot of expectations put on mum and dad in terms of modeling healthy interactions for their kids, for multiple reasons. Parents are the first relationships kids will observe growing up. Hence, it sets the tone for the types of relationships that kids will perceive to be healthy and normal about friends, romantic partners, work, and other forms of relationships.

Hence, what kids see with their mums and dads will be what they take onboard and perceive as typical or normal. If kids are witnessing their mums and dads dealing with problems and conflicts in a very aggressive way, then kids are more inclined to think that that’s how they too deal with conflicts moving forward.

The other element that people often forget is that when kids come into the world, essentially the only two tour guides that they have for life are their mum and dad. Essentially, parents are the two pillars of their kid’s life. Parents often forget that for a child, especially a young child, mum and dad are the centers of their universe. Young kids do not have work, social groups, or other environments where they can function. Their world is pretty much home with mum and dad or with the caregiver that is involved. Later as they age, the environments multiply.

There’s an analogy that I frequently use when working with my clients. I tell parents that they are essentially the pilots of an aircraft and their children are the passengers. To put things into perspective, if parents saw their pilot running out of the cockpit screaming in a panic, without even knowing what the problem was, they would naturally start panicking as well.

I think that parents often forget that they have a duty to be able to demonstrate or communicate a sense of stability to their children. Even if spouses or partners have some fundamental problems that they need to or are working on, children never question the fact that their mum and dad are always going to be there to protect them, to have their backs, and to guide them when needed.\

That’s why I think it’s so important for parents to edit what they do in front of their children if they’re having a conflict with their partner.

1Twenty80: Are there any signs that can be seen when parents’ arguments are affecting the child? 

Katyana: I always advise parents to look out for this: The moment when their kids are starting to mimic the behaviors that parents exhibit during arguments. When parents have very violent fights with their partners that involve screaming, throwing things, or hitting, their child may emulate this when in the face of a disagreement. Their child may scream, throw things or even hit parents when they don’t want to do something. Upon seeing their child react in this way, parents often come to me completely confused. They ask me questions like, ‘Why does my child do this?’. And I find myself asking, ‘Where do you think your child picked that up from?’.

There’s a popular saying in child psychology: Monkey see, monkey do. That’s essentially how it is with children. If a husband is speaking to his wife in a negative tone, the father is communicating to their children, especially their sons that: a) that’s how to deal with circumstances when they’re not happy and b) they have a right to speak to women, in this case, their mother in that tone of voice.

In this situation, the child is not going to be neurologically developed enough to go “Well that’s not right. I shouldn’t be doing this. There should be a healthier way,”. Instead, they’re most likely to think, “If dad does it, then I can do it,”. It’s extremely common for children to mimic their parent’s behaviour. Children will start the behaviour with mum and dad first because that is where they see it happening.

So parents, if you want to figure out whether your arguments are starting to impact your children, identify whether your child is starting to behave like your partner or you when they’re unhappy or being told no. That’s often the first sign.

Usually, it’ll then also start to bleed into school. It should also be mentioned that often this doesn’t start in school first because kids are afraid of getting into trouble. If your kids are starting to manifest worrying behaviours in school and teachers are starting to notice differences in the type of interaction between your child and their peers or your child and the teachers, that is a huge red flag that the child is starting to get impacted.

On the flip side, not all children are going to be observable to the point where they start to mimic. Some children will start to withdraw and they will most likely do the opposite. This is not gender-related. Kids start to withdraw because they can’t process what’s going on or it might even frighten them to the point where they don’t want confrontation.

You may notice: 

• Your child is being more withdrawn from you or their social circle at school.
• They’re not wanting to participate in many family activities.
• Changes in their appetite.
• Changes in their sleeping patterns.
• Complaints about their concentration at school.

Parents, you might see these two polarising reactions (mimicking and withdrawal). Generally, I tell parents to look out for changes in their children’s behaviour. These changes or reactions can be very big or silent. These are usually indicators that whatever that’s going on is difficult for your kids to process.

Parents also need to remember that the neurological developments of children’s brains are immature or are still developing in comparison to how an adult’s brain is. Parents often forget that, (especially when they have a child who’s talking), structurally from a hardware perspective, kids do not have the same neurological facilities as adults do. Here’s an example I often quote to parents, “It’s sort of like your child is running on iOS 5 and you want them to run on iOS 15 software. You’re telling them that they have to know and understand the adult problems that you’re facing,”. Children really can’t do that.

So, what happens if you try to run an iOS 15 software on an iOS 5 phone? It doesn’t run right and the phone can’t do what you’re asking it to do. That’s what it is like for kids. Parents can’t expect children to understand their problems. Parents should be able to understand from the child’s perspective, repackage and communicate the problem in a way that the child understands. That’s often where I feel the conflicts are.

Most of the time, kids are not able to understand or process concepts like the reasons behind a divorce (infidelity), financial problems, and more. Parents often also forget that kids are not able to comprehend this.

1Twenty80: Could you tell us the impacts of parents fighting in front of their children?

Katyana: Speaking about impacts on their children, parents run the risk of communicating a very unhealthy conflict resolution and communication style. Parents are also communicating a very unhealthy relationship dynamic to their children which can impact the rest of the children’s lives if not properly addressed. By arguing in front of the kids, parents also run the risk of invalidating the other parent’s struggles or their position as a parent in front of the child. So, don’t be surprised if the kids don’t look at the parent as an authoritative figure because the said parent is not authoritatively conducting themselves. It’s also not unheard of that kids lose the ‘fear’ of their parents because their parents are not holding themselves to the standard.

If a parent is being disrespectful towards their partner and children, the children are going to learn the definition of respect based on the interactions that they are seeing with the parents. The parent who’s being disrespectful is also highlighting the level of respect the other partner is being afforded. Here’s the point where children will inevitably lose respect for their parents and this is also where they will conclude that that’s how to speak to their parents.

Parents need to be conscious of regulating their emotions and possess the ability to say “We’ll talk about this later” or “We’ll deal with this later when the kids have gone to sleep”. If the parent feels like they need to fight about it, then that’s a problem because that’s not a healthy way to deal with conflicts.

1Twenty80: At times, arguments are inevitable and unpredictable. In circumstances like these, what should parents consider if they’re arguing in front of their child? 

Katyana: I’ll tell my parents to take a deep breath and ask to reconvene. If parents have reached the stage where they recognise that an argument is going to take place, voices are being raised and things may not be civil, take a deep breath and count to ten.

If you need some space, tell your partner that you need a minute or two to center yourself. Don’t walk out of the room without saying anything and leave things hanging. This is because you may be teaching your child to run away from conflicts.

If you need a longer time to regulate your emotions, communicate it with your partner by saying phrases like “Let’s talk about it in an hour” or “Let’s talk about it when the kids have gone to sleep”.

Come up with a time frame in the near future where you guys can sit down and discuss it. It’s important to note that some people have different coping skills. Some partners are good at taking a breather to think before they proceed. Whereas, some partners are impulsive and they need to talk about it as soon as possible to prevent any anxiety.

Hence, having a good time frame is beneficial for the more anxious partner. This helps them recognise that the matter will be discussed sooner rather than later. Take a deep breath, tell the partner if you need more time or are feeling overwhelmed, excuse yourself to get some space and then come back and apologise if you need to and make plans to reconvene.

We want to teach our kids that it’s normal to feel emotions such as anger and we want to teach them how to manage these feelings effectively. I think it’s okay for your children to see you upset, disagree, or angry. However, you should also be able to model for them on how to deal with your emotions effectively.

1Twenty80: How can parents be better examples for their children?

Katyana: It goes back to modeling and remembering the phrase: Monkey see, monkey do. Treat your kids the way you want to be treated. 

1Twenty80: When emotions run high, conflicts might break out and voices can be raised. What actions should parents take to make things right if they become very emotional and fight in front of their children? 

Katyana: First and foremost, it’s ideal for you and your partner to go and speak to your children together once the argument has been resolved. A united front is always important. Address the situation in a manner that your kids can understand (if your kids are younger). For example, you can try saying “Just now mummy and daddy got upset at each other and we fought. We’re really sorry that you had to see that and I’m sure it must’ve felt really scary,”.

As for older children who can communicate, offer them the opportunity to tell you how the fight made them feel. Asking them an open-ended question gives them a good opportunity to talk and describe their feelings about the situation. Giving your kids the window to talk about their feelings makes them feel heard. End the conversation by stating that it was not your or your partner’s intention to make them feel distressed and apologise. Affirm your love for them.

It’s ideal for you and your partner to go and speak to your children together once the argument has been resolved.

Having these types of conversations with your kids is super important and very few parents know how to have them. So, kids go to bed without their feelings being addressed.

If it’s for teens, you can knock on their door and invite them for a conversation by apologising for the fact that they had to witness the argument and ask them if there’s anything they want to talk about.

There’s a difference between involving your kids in the fight and making sure they’re okay afterward. Making sure that they’re okay after witnessing an argument is asking them how they are feeling afterward. Whereas, involving them revolves around asking for their input or asking them to participate in the argument.

I always tell parents that it’s never too late to go back and have a conversation with your child. If you’ve snapped at your child or conducted yourself in a manner that you regret, it’s not too late to have a conversation about it. A lot of parents will go to sleep and wake up in the morning like nothing happened, hoping that their kids will forget about it. That doesn’t work.

Some parents may even lovebomb their kids out of guilt. That’s not an apology. It’s important for parents to say sorry so that their kids will realise apologising when there is a mistake is important.

1Twenty80: How can both parents handle a disagreement or conflict that is focused on the child, healthily? 

Katyana: United front should be a mantra for every parent. Conflicts and disagreements are completely normal when you and your partner can’t reach an agreement. However, it’s best advised for the child not to know that you guys are not on the same page. That’s because this can be exploited by the child. For example, kids will always go to the relaxed parents to get something, knowing that the stricter parents may say no. When this happens, it’s important for the relaxed parent to say “I’ll talk about it with mum (or dad) and I’ll get back to you.”

Talk about this with your significant other behind closed doors and try to find a common ground. Once common ground has been found, both parents can then talk to the child together. Try to refrain from putting the blame on one particular parent behind a decision for your kids. This will portray the said parent in a bad light in the kid’s eyes.

United front can also be applied if the couples are divorced. 

We hope this interview with Katyana has opened your eyes to the new era of parenting. Remember, treat your kids as how you would want to be treated and respect is a two-way street.